Mom has a new friend. The staff says they do everything together. I love seeing Mom happy. They are excited to see one another and giggle about things. Tonight however, they are out raged over the lack of coffee. Moms friend says"Can you imagine? No hot coffee! I've never heard of a restaurant with no coffee". I look around at the empty cups on the table and wonder, is there some no caffeine after 3 rule?
Max walks his walker up to me with purpose, having identified me as an outsider it seems. "How do I get out of here? I've been every where there are no exits" he says. The care center is set up in a loop, there are 3 units each with their own focus of care but they all run together, so you can walk any direction and eventually end up back where you started. Doors leading to the out side world are not a main feature and require a code. I tell Max I do not know. He responds appropriately, "OH MY GOD! We are all stuck in here!". A staff person comes to my rescue, also telling him she is unsure of the exit. Oh good. Now I don't feel like such an ass for lying to the poor guy.
The nurse tries to get him to sit down for dinner but he doesn't have his wallet and is not going to eat when he can't pay for it.
I find it interesting the things that get lost and the things that stay. Max had his pride, even if he couldn't find the door, he was not taking a hand out. Mom can't remember my childhood or a single one of the hundreds of parties she put on but she is a Mom and a Host through and through. She talks about getting the kids together feeding them, entertained them, making sure they have someplace to sleep. In her mind she often comes back to this nonexistent group of kids she is in charge of. I wonder if I am one of them.
Tonight playing hostess she offers Max a place at the table, "Come join us!" then to me, "Julie go get him a drink" We will have fun!". Max says to me "it's no use there's no coffee!". He remembers that!. Turns out Max is not very much fun, he is angry and confused (and there is no coffee). Mom playing the good host tries to make the most of it. I add Max to the list of folks not to set with.
The Director of Food Services comes over to make a personal apology about the coffee and says they will have it worked out by breakfast. After reprimanding him for this error in the first place folks start to relax. I imagine that it must have been a very long day for them all.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
A New Kind of Beginning
I'm late, Mom is upset. Note to self; don't have them tell Mom I'm coming, even if I were not late, telling her about something that is not happening right then is just confusing.
We settle in and introduce ourselves to our dinning companions. I have spent a fair amount of time with these folks working on a puzzle that will never get finished, in part due to the fact that it is put away before every meal and pulled out again after and in part to, I am reasonably sure there are pieces missing, we will likely never know for sure.
As we wait for our dinner the woman next to me asks "What's Alzheimer's?". Oh crap! Ok, we can talk about this. I explain that it is a disease that effects memory. "oh that's awful!" Yes, I agree. Everyone at the table agrees. We move on. Okay, that wasn't so bad, I can totally do this!
Moments later, "What is Alzheimer's?" Oh, we are doing this are we? So I explain again, a longer more awkward conversation ensues. I venture the question, "Why do you ask?" She points to a woman across the dinning area, "Her T-shirt says Alzheimer's, what does it mean?" Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! I visualize myself flying across the room, tackling the woman to the ground and ripping the shirt to bits. Instead I say "It looks like it was for a fundraiser, a walk-a-ton" "oh that's nice!".
I'm reminded of my now 8 year old daughter, as a toddler, asking questions about Jesus and where babies come from, after I had given my dissertation she would look at me all confused and say, I just wanted to know if Jesus was still alive or if we were going to have a baby...Oh. Mom and her new "friends" are just like that. I'm the one making this hard, or harder. They are just living in the moment.
Dinner is over mom and I take a walk around the patio. As we come back in Mom spots the Puzzle, "Oh look a Puzzle, I have not done a Puzzle in ages. Shall we get it out?"
"Yes let's work on a puzzle" I say.
We settle in and introduce ourselves to our dinning companions. I have spent a fair amount of time with these folks working on a puzzle that will never get finished, in part due to the fact that it is put away before every meal and pulled out again after and in part to, I am reasonably sure there are pieces missing, we will likely never know for sure.
As we wait for our dinner the woman next to me asks "What's Alzheimer's?". Oh crap! Ok, we can talk about this. I explain that it is a disease that effects memory. "oh that's awful!" Yes, I agree. Everyone at the table agrees. We move on. Okay, that wasn't so bad, I can totally do this!
Moments later, "What is Alzheimer's?" Oh, we are doing this are we? So I explain again, a longer more awkward conversation ensues. I venture the question, "Why do you ask?" She points to a woman across the dinning area, "Her T-shirt says Alzheimer's, what does it mean?" Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! I visualize myself flying across the room, tackling the woman to the ground and ripping the shirt to bits. Instead I say "It looks like it was for a fundraiser, a walk-a-ton" "oh that's nice!".
I'm reminded of my now 8 year old daughter, as a toddler, asking questions about Jesus and where babies come from, after I had given my dissertation she would look at me all confused and say, I just wanted to know if Jesus was still alive or if we were going to have a baby...Oh. Mom and her new "friends" are just like that. I'm the one making this hard, or harder. They are just living in the moment.
Dinner is over mom and I take a walk around the patio. As we come back in Mom spots the Puzzle, "Oh look a Puzzle, I have not done a Puzzle in ages. Shall we get it out?"
"Yes let's work on a puzzle" I say.
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly
~Buddha~
The Beginning of the end...
Have you ever been some where witnessed something then looked around for someone to share it with but no one was there? This happens all the time now. The absurd and hilarious, the tragic and heart breaking all the moments in life that matter, I need a witness. Even if it turns out I'm really alone, the idea that there is someone to laugh and cry with me is important. Oh and I have laughed and cried, laughed and cried, laughed and cried with my dear wonderful family, I just thought, before they go from my dear sweet wonderful family to my board, eye rolling “this is all you talk about" family I would give this a try.
Mom had a strokeSeptember 10th 2001 , the day before 9/11. Absorbing crisis while in crisis is a strange thing. Things get looped and tangled in ways you don’t understand. She recovered and was at my wedding the next year and for the birth of my daughter 2 years later. She was there but we all knew that we had lost a part of her that day.
The decline was so slow it is hard to say when it became obvious, she couldn’t quite follow a game of cards anymore, she lost things then found them in "strange" places, she couldn’t follow conversations about a third person who was not present. We encouraged Dad to see a Dr. but they insisted that it was the stroke. She has two sibling, one older and one younger, who were both being treated for Alzheimer’s, surly there was something else going on.
Denial is a strange thing; they had spent their lives together, 58 years of marriage. When someone, someone in charge, tells you it is one thing the desire to believe them is overwhelming, even when faced with the evidence to the contrary. When Mom finally started meds to slow the progression of the disease she was already living moment to moment.
She recognizes us as family even if she can’t always come up with a name.
For that I am grateful.
We moved Mom into a care center in May 2013.
I have dinner with her once a week.
Mom had a stroke
The decline was so slow it is hard to say when it became obvious, she couldn’t quite follow a game of cards anymore, she lost things then found them in "strange" places, she couldn’t follow conversations about a third person who was not present. We encouraged Dad to see a Dr. but they insisted that it was the stroke. She has two sibling, one older and one younger, who were both being treated for Alzheimer’s, surly there was something else going on.
Denial is a strange thing; they had spent their lives together, 58 years of marriage. When someone, someone in charge, tells you it is one thing the desire to believe them is overwhelming, even when faced with the evidence to the contrary. When Mom finally started meds to slow the progression of the disease she was already living moment to moment.
She recognizes us as family even if she can’t always come up with a name.
For that I am grateful.
We moved Mom into a care center in May 2013.
I have dinner with her once a week.
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